I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
