Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
