the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
