dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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