He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wear drunk well.
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