I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
