What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
