Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
