trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize