Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
