I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
