my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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