420 ftw
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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