Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
