He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i drank out of a bidet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
