i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
