Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
