You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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