I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
