I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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