Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
