im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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