listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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