i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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