Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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