Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
