FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
