so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
