I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
