I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
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I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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