Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
