I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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