Where did you get a picture of my penis
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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