a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
