Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
