How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I cannot find my penis.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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