Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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