11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
