Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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