You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
