I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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