Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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