i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
