where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
