i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
