Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
