toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
