U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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