Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"