I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test