he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm having to shit out rocks
PANTIES FOUND
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