I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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