her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
