My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
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