I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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