You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
