My cat gives me a boner
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
