pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
